Let me ask first, "what does my life look like right now?"
On one hand, I think I have managed to gain early insights into how to keep my life as simple as possible - that is to not get myself into messy situations like debts, drugs, extremely toxic relationships which could lead to even more mess. On the other hand, I find that my life seem to have become so "safe" and lack any sense of adventure or danger that I wonder if this is what life is all about. Have I been missing out on something even though I have been doing what is not only right, but really good and great things which are meaningful to a deep extent, in alignment to the ultimate mission of being alive?
I have achieved independence in living on my own for a number of years now: choosing where I want to reside, making choices in paying my housing loans, keeping to home furnishing which is sustainable and thrifty, cooking my own meals as well as hosting and reaching out to others, etc. In a way, I have grown wings and sought to live life despite the norm of traditional stages of setting up a family and raising children. While I observed how family life can be fulfilling while exhausting for some, how singlehood has its benefits and challenges especially loneliness, I do enjoy where I am at and also wonders if I will accept any drastic changes to my currently stable and peaceful life.
"Are there things that is working well and that I like to keep?"
I definitely hope to keep the freedom of being my own person, and not becoming needed by someone else, while also not becoming needy. This means to have my boundaries in place no matter what might change around me, having sufficient funds, health, community and perhaps also an active lifestyle that keeps me mentally and emotionally connected to the outside world as well as my inner world.
I have decided to have more time to myself this year to rest and hopefully gain new directions. I do have some plans to declutter my life during this process which I hope to be able to gain momentum and get things done and moved out of my life. The boxes of old notes, journals, books which still sit next to my desk, just feels so weighty to start opening and going forward with. I fear I might make rash decisions of throwing them out even though I also know I do not really refer to them any longer. Argh. While I fantasise about being a certified professional organiser, I feel like a failure whenever I see these boxes still lying around. Well, apart from this challenge, I think I have done well to maintain and improve on the other areas of my space and also having reduced my spending to mostly necessities and giving when I deem necessary and meaningful. I am not sure how some friends or family might look at me anymore, I sure want to stay true to myself and not want to live to please anyone though I desire to keep and nurture these relationships.
How do I want to do life differently? What will help me to move forward confidently?
I wish for a balanced sense of community where my boundaries are respected. This comes from a place of having lived a previous life of serving because of an inner voice that have guilt-tripped me for years. Doing good things because I was taught to obedience despite how I feel or think; having the lack of will to make choices for myself was not a very good thing to start with. Even though the people around me are still the same: my parents, my other family members, my church mates, my old classmates, people I am connected to on Facebook and other social media, I must start hearing that newfound voice which has grown louder but still not firm and strong enough to actions which I hope to take, seeing that I have yet moved to establishing deeper connections with people, doing a job which does not feels like a job but a life calling, passively residing in avoidance of facing situations which require more and potentially cause pain.
March signals a phase of some new pains: a course on Inclusive Practice, new housemate, new convictions to fellowship. I hope with these changes, will stir up other good changes.
