Less of Fear, More of Love

It has been strange lately, how my heart settles more, when I chose independence, and to trust God to lead me in the path I see ahead of me. I must lean not on my understanding, and in all my ways acknowledge him (Prov 3). It is spiritual: seeing the difference in how I live or behave under different authorities. And it is the same as what I see in the children. And the partners I work with, bring about different behaviours in the classroom.

It gave me much confidence to be able to face the fears I used to have. Uncertainty is one. I will face it, as it comes. Perhaps even Certainty. When I am so certain, let what I have always believed to be challenged.

A New Milestone

Turning 35 gave me the opportunity to own a housing unit in Singapore finally! There are many factors which I have considered carefully, and prayerfully. I was uncertain if this decision is right. And the moment I made the decision, I had peace. I felt God trust me to be an adult and be able to make good decisions, whatever lies ahead.

Of course, I have concerns: Will Mum and brother be okay when I am not around? Will I find time to spend with Mum? Will our relationship become better? Will my relationship with my family become distanced? Will I be too accustomed to being alone? What if I forget my keys? What if I am too sick to even pick up the phone to call for help? I guess if I am to look at the fear in my heart, I will never be able to move on and up. I believe I can do this one step at a time, with the Lord, no matter if I have decided otherwise.

What happens in the future I do not know. Even if my life ends tonight, I know God is in control.

The centre - Jesus

It's already week 7, and tomorrow we are having chapel for the second time this term.. It seems like only a few days ago! To sum the last few weeks up, it has really been a learning journey.. Having a conducive environment to carry out an all-rounded curriculum.. was satisfying and purposeful. With each challenge comes awareness of what I believe and what can become.

Relationships are.. unexpected 'places where grace is soon to be so amazing..' :D randomness..

True Love Waits

It has always been a great barrier to talk about my desires for marriage due to growing up memories of family issues, unmet emotional needs, and a lack of confidence and purpose. How I wished I had not only realised but also come to terms with them, before it surfaced out. Leaving behind these regrets -- pain and shame, I move forward, motivated by what Christ has called those who follow Him: towards the abundant life which He has for each and everyone, that include me. So 'Why am I afraid? Do I not believe He will take care of me?'

I pray for a life partner who is passionate about the things I am about. I want my family to honour God and his people. I want to see myself being such a person. What I have been seeking, a sense of security, belonging, purpose - can truly be found in only one place. May I always be found in the garden, in the presence of the Lord.

Teaching, a profession I never thought I'll embark on

it is by grace to be employed by a church kindergarten which I had heard so much good things about. At the induction workshop in December, I felt so at home and teared at the song at the end: "Use Me", which was sang by children! I long for 'a heart of flesh' to replace the one which has been hardened (Ezk 36:26) because the children deserve better. And, because that is what the Lord can use.

Use me Jesus use me. Take this life of mine and use me.
Use me Jesus use me. Keep me by your side and use me.

All I want is to be with you, to ever praise you in all I do.
Teach me Father to learn your ways, and walk with me each day.

Mould me make me, what you would have me be.
I only want to serve you faithfully. Help me Father to truly see
What you have for me.
© 1986 Integrity's Hosanna! Music/ASCAP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyKKZaYRPrc

*Children are like flowers in a garden, they do not come the same. The amazing part is that makes the garden not boring at all!*

Selah - "Unredeemed"

The cruelest word, the coldest heart
The deepest wound, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

Oh, He will wipe every tear
Will not be, be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see, it will not be
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

(Thank you, Carolyn Ku, for sharing this song. His grace is indeed amazing.)

Grief enlarges the Soul

Today marks Grandma's 8th death anniversary. Time has passed by a blink of an eye.

The last 2 Christmases sandwiched some bitter-sweet memories (all in God's grace), in the form of a relationship where I had experienced surprise, elation, fear, excitement, bewilderment, security, happiness, hope, fun, impressiveness, longing, attachment.. then came-- confusion, shock, disappointment, grief, deep sadness, emotional trauma, abandonment, some level of betrayal, etc. I could have imagined all these in my head to no one's making but they are real emotions, nevertheless. Even now I wished these would pass.. perhaps? (or when I breathe my last, i.e. when I stop being a human being!?) How I appreciate the peace of being away in solitude (escaped from reality) and experience full dependence on God, and being an "alien".. But well, it is truly grace that I went through the pain in order to experience growth, otherwise remaining as immature.

I am thankful for the re-discovery process of who I am in Christ, as increasing strength has found me, and new wisdom too. I trust more in God's plans; as I hope to be willing and ready with love in season and out of season (according to 1 Cor 13:4-8-- patient and kind; not envious or boastful; not arrogant or rude. Not insist on my own way; not irritable or resentful; Not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ..never ends), no matter who God brings into my life. To carry the yoke of Christ, to follow Him in his footsteps of communing with the Father, in living out a life of redemptive brokenness and living sacrifice.

Jesus, you are my true security. God! I once was lost (and still gets lost so often..) but each time I know I can be found. In the coming year, I look forward to new challenges, becoming 35. **laughter with tears**