Declutter: "What do I want my life to look like?"

Let me ask first, "what does my life look like right now?" On one hand, I think I have managed to gain early insights into how to keep my life as simple as possible - that is to not get myself into messy situations like debts, drugs, extremely toxic relationships which could lead to even more mess. On the other hand, I find that my life seem to have become so "safe" and lack any sense of adventure or danger that I wonder if this is what life is all about. Have I been missing out on something even though I have been doing what is not only right, but really good and great things which are meaningful to a deep extent, in alignment to the ultimate mission of being alive?
I have achieved independence in living on my own for a number of years now: choosing where I want to reside, making choices in paying my housing loans, keeping to home furnishing which is sustainable and thrifty, cooking my own meals as well as hosting and reaching out to others, etc. In a way, I have grown wings and sought to live life despite the norm of traditional stages of setting up a family and raising children. While I observed how family life can be fulfilling while exhausting for some, how singlehood has its benefits and challenges especially loneliness, I do enjoy where I am at and also wonders if I will accept any drastic changes to my currently stable and peaceful life.
"Are there things that is working well and that I like to keep?" I definitely hope to keep the freedom of being my own person, and not becoming needed by someone else, while also not becoming needy. This means to have my boundaries in place no matter what might change around me, having sufficient funds, health, community and perhaps also an active lifestyle that keeps me mentally and emotionally connected to the outside world as well as my inner world.
I have decided to have more time to myself this year to rest and hopefully gain new directions. I do have some plans to declutter my life during this process which I hope to be able to gain momentum and get things done and moved out of my life. The boxes of old notes, journals, books which still sit next to my desk, just feels so weighty to start opening and going forward with. I fear I might make rash decisions of throwing them out even though I also know I do not really refer to them any longer. Argh. While I fantasise about being a certified professional organiser, I feel like a failure whenever I see these boxes still lying around. Well, apart from this challenge, I think I have done well to maintain and improve on the other areas of my space and also having reduced my spending to mostly necessities and giving when I deem necessary and meaningful. I am not sure how some friends or family might look at me anymore, I sure want to stay true to myself and not want to live to please anyone though I desire to keep and nurture these relationships.
How do I want to do life differently? What will help me to move forward confidently? I wish for a balanced sense of community where my boundaries are respected. This comes from a place of having lived a previous life of serving because of an inner voice that have guilt-tripped me for years. Doing good things because I was taught to obedience despite how I feel or think; having the lack of will to make choices for myself was not a very good thing to start with. Even though the people around me are still the same: my parents, my other family members, my church mates, my old classmates, people I am connected to on Facebook and other social media, I must start hearing that newfound voice which has grown louder but still not firm and strong enough to actions which I hope to take, seeing that I have yet moved to establishing deeper connections with people, doing a job which does not feels like a job but a life calling, passively residing in avoidance of facing situations which require more and potentially cause pain.
March signals a phase of some new pains: a course on Inclusive Practice, new housemate, new convictions to fellowship. I hope with these changes, will stir up other good changes.

Less of Fear, More of Love

It has been strange lately, how my heart settles more, when I chose independence, and to trust God to lead me in the path I see ahead of me. I must lean not on my understanding, and in all my ways acknowledge him (Prov 3). It is spiritual: seeing the difference in how I live or behave under different authorities. And it is the same as what I see in the children. And the partners I work with, bring about different behaviours in the classroom.

It gave me much confidence to be able to face the fears I used to have. Uncertainty is one. I will face it, as it comes. Perhaps even Certainty. When I am so certain, let what I have always believed to be challenged.

A New Milestone

Turning 35 gave me the opportunity to own a housing unit in Singapore finally! There are many factors which I have considered carefully, and prayerfully. I was uncertain if this decision is right. And the moment I made the decision, I had peace. I felt God trust me to be an adult and be able to make good decisions, whatever lies ahead.

Of course, I have concerns: Will Mum and brother be okay when I am not around? Will I find time to spend with Mum? Will our relationship become better? Will my relationship with my family become distanced? Will I be too accustomed to being alone? What if I forget my keys? What if I am too sick to even pick up the phone to call for help? I guess if I am to look at the fear in my heart, I will never be able to move on and up. I believe I can do this one step at a time, with the Lord, no matter if I have decided otherwise.

What happens in the future I do not know. Even if my life ends tonight, I know God is in control.

The centre - Jesus

It's already week 7, and tomorrow we are having chapel for the second time this term.. It seems like only a few days ago! To sum the last few weeks up, it has really been a learning journey.. Having a conducive environment to carry out an all-rounded curriculum.. was satisfying and purposeful. With each challenge comes awareness of what I believe and what can become.

Relationships are.. unexpected 'places where grace is soon to be so amazing..' :D randomness..

True Love Waits

It has always been a great barrier to talk about my desires for marriage due to growing up memories of family issues, unmet emotional needs, and a lack of confidence and purpose. How I wished I had not only realised but also come to terms with them, before it surfaced out. Leaving behind these regrets -- pain and shame, I move forward, motivated by what Christ has called those who follow Him: towards the abundant life which He has for each and everyone, that include me. So 'Why am I afraid? Do I not believe He will take care of me?'

I pray for a life partner who is passionate about the things I am about. I want my family to honour God and his people. I want to see myself being such a person. What I have been seeking, a sense of security, belonging, purpose - can truly be found in only one place. May I always be found in the garden, in the presence of the Lord.

Teaching, a profession I never thought I'll embark on

it is by grace to be employed by a church kindergarten which I had heard so much good things about. At the induction workshop in December, I felt so at home and teared at the song at the end: "Use Me", which was sang by children! I long for 'a heart of flesh' to replace the one which has been hardened (Ezk 36:26) because the children deserve better. And, because that is what the Lord can use.

Use me Jesus use me. Take this life of mine and use me.
Use me Jesus use me. Keep me by your side and use me.

All I want is to be with you, to ever praise you in all I do.
Teach me Father to learn your ways, and walk with me each day.

Mould me make me, what you would have me be.
I only want to serve you faithfully. Help me Father to truly see
What you have for me.
© 1986 Integrity's Hosanna! Music/ASCAP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyKKZaYRPrc

*Children are like flowers in a garden, they do not come the same. The amazing part is that makes the garden not boring at all!*

Selah - "Unredeemed"

The cruelest word, the coldest heart
The deepest wound, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

Oh, He will wipe every tear
Will not be, be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see, it will not be
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

(Thank you, Carolyn Ku, for sharing this song. His grace is indeed amazing.)

Grief enlarges the Soul

Today marks Grandma's 8th death anniversary. Time has passed by a blink of an eye.

The last 2 Christmases sandwiched some bitter-sweet memories (all in God's grace), in the form of a relationship where I had experienced surprise, elation, fear, excitement, bewilderment, security, happiness, hope, fun, impressiveness, longing, attachment.. then came-- confusion, shock, disappointment, grief, deep sadness, emotional trauma, abandonment, some level of betrayal, etc. I could have imagined all these in my head to no one's making but they are real emotions, nevertheless. Even now I wished these would pass.. perhaps? (or when I breathe my last, i.e. when I stop being a human being!?) How I appreciate the peace of being away in solitude (escaped from reality) and experience full dependence on God, and being an "alien".. But well, it is truly grace that I went through the pain in order to experience growth, otherwise remaining as immature.

I am thankful for the re-discovery process of who I am in Christ, as increasing strength has found me, and new wisdom too. I trust more in God's plans; as I hope to be willing and ready with love in season and out of season (according to 1 Cor 13:4-8-- patient and kind; not envious or boastful; not arrogant or rude. Not insist on my own way; not irritable or resentful; Not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ..never ends), no matter who God brings into my life. To carry the yoke of Christ, to follow Him in his footsteps of communing with the Father, in living out a life of redemptive brokenness and living sacrifice.

Jesus, you are my true security. God! I once was lost (and still gets lost so often..) but each time I know I can be found. In the coming year, I look forward to new challenges, becoming 35. **laughter with tears**

Teachers' Day

Today we celebrated (my second) Teachers' Day with class presentations and games. The K1 children whom I "parent", learned and said a prayer for the teachers. It went like this:

"Loving God, bless all the teachers. We know that being a teacher today is filled with challenges and we need your grace. Teachers are called to make the truth accessible and beautiful. Bless them with wisdom to realise Jesus in all they teach. Bless the families of all those who teach so that they may receive the support they need to remain faithful teachers and strong families. Amen."

Teachers are normal people who answer an extraordinary call.





The little gifts from the children and parents - the thought matters more than the cost.


 This is a phase of my life where I am learning about myself and others; gaining confidence in disciplining, leading and most importantly, loving; and looking forward to rewards of the heavenly kind - a transformation that resembles my Lord Jesus. Someone said to me: One who works with children becomes a better person. I like to think that way too. And this: One who works with children learns what his real character is, then move on with each realisation (how good or undeserving I feel/ think), to not dwell in yesterday's success or failure but embrace each day God gives for us to be with the children. They never remember and they always love and accept us without much bias. Indeed they are the best gift and blessing God has given to all who parent. "..they are new every morning, new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness O Lord, great is Thy faithfulness."

New Beginnings

Last week, the class of 25 women started their 15-month Early Childhood course with Ms P. I am impressed by the ladies in this class, including myself, that we had chosen to put down whatever we had learnt or done previously to invest ourselves in learning for children. Talking about meaning in life! I think we are on our journey. :)

And in the 2 days with the 3-year olds in Noah's Ark, I think I am getting the hang of teaching these very little ones. Very thankful for Madam C as co-teaching partner, who is one of the most experienced teachers around. Writing lesson plans and preparing for class activities become a new 'past time'.

The weekend! On Saturday, our life group started the theme this year as 'New Beginnings'. Lammy brought us to the origin of the New T, which is from the Old T (Gen12:1-4). M got us thinking on one thing that we had never done and hope to do so in this new year. For me, I thought I might visit some friends in Nepal or some other places. The focus is 'Friends'. More likely, I will pay a visit to Sichuan this year.

Always I will hear teachers reminding me: 'You must be firm!' Oh yes, assertiveness is a trait I hope to master in good nature. E and I taught the pre-schoolers last evening about the miracles that JC did -- that we can be sure 'With God Everything is Possible' (Matt19:26b). I enjoyed the children more now, epecially seeing them having fun learning. Except for maybe 1 or 2 children who needed special attention. I really hope to understand them more through the EC course.

I do pray for a fresh anticipation of new things, like a little child.

An Overview of 2011

As much fear I had when moving from somewhat like a familiar fishbowl to the large unknown sea, now coming back to Singapore after spending 2 years in China, was another experience of adjusting back. Reverse cultural shock per say.

The first 3 months of 2011 spent in TungLing was an experience I least expect. Thinking back are many divine memories with people of different background who gave up precious time to be together as God's family. I really misses those times and those people.

From April till August, I tutored 3 Chinese students under BY's guardianship which gave me a glimpse into the lives of these 15-18 year olds; and also understanding 7-year old Josh (May till December) and 9-year old Kryst (June till December). Considering 4/14, I was with JKC since April; Noah's Ark since end September. The last 3 months of 2011 was spent with the 5-year olds. With that, I decided to take up the Early Childhood course, after considering for 6 months.

The most traumatic part of adjusting back was to be staying with J for 3 months (19 Jun till end October), Ah Yi in November and K till mid November. Now being back home, I realised a lot about myself and am so much more thankful, in the knowledge of my God, who is faithful, understands me and gracious despite all my uncertainties.

I am also glad to be a part of the Christmas production with PKC, totally impressed with the youths' effort; and the Game of L was a meaningful finale of the year to reflect upon in the new year.

Game: One Step At A Time

Yesterday had been a new level of understanding the pre-schoolers (3-6 year-olds) in the church basement. Apart from my earlier experience in China, I realised that E and I really should keep to 3 instructions at the most (1 or 2 directive and 1 hurdle). Many thanks to Ps Y, for being our guide and teacher, so needed by this team made up of teachers and helpers who have been amongst the youngest so far, to serve this generation.

The original intention of the game is to create an experience that is both physical and spiritual. And of course, to facilitate a sense of achievement and meaning for them with due directions, instructions and importantly, encouragement and motivation.

I like this idea as it is able to link to the lesson on the Road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-35), and it gives me great joy to share with others, even to my life group last Saturday at LammyEve's place. I appreciate them for listening intently; M was able to give valuable feedback with his personal experience having being at the pre-schooler service with his son, S.

I am also thankful to the masking tape, the soft 'globe' balls and mini walking sticks so available for us to use from the backstage. Also, the sports shoes selflessly loaned by P and C.

First Anniversary of SC Earthquake

5.12 - which also happens to be my dad's birthday will most likely be a day not easily forgotten. He told me that when people ask him about his birthday, he will just say it is the same day as the earthquake. And that everyone now knows and remembers. I agree. A Sichuan friend actually sms-ed to wish my dad birthday too.

After news of the swine flu spreading to this particular part of the world, I decided not to go town as alerted by Alfred. I went down the street for a haircut, ate at my most frequent jiao zi shop at '三碗饺' and something more meaningful though brief - patronised a fruit shop with 2 ladies watching SCTV 2 direct telecast of the memorial ceremony for the earthquake last year. When paying for pears and mini watermelon (for reducing heat), I asked them about the programme. They were very much affected when they had watched what happened to their countrymen last year. However this time as they watched, they did not feel the same anymore. Indeed time have levied the pain or healed the wound, leaving behind a scar. As if it will speak a thousand words, I spouted a God bless you as I leave them to continue watching the parade segment.

Scenic Emei Shan

I have returned early morning yesterday, in time for our weekly gathering, from having conquered Emei Shan during the Labour Day Period (a holiday period the locals call '五一', consisting of 3 days, from Friday till Sunday). Some will use these days to return home, affordably a few hours away. It was a rare opportunity for me to join Alfred, his dad and YF to visit this famous mountain which I had heard and seen only on television programmes.

On Friday morning we set off at 8a.m. on a 2-hour ride to 峨眉镇．Due to the holiday season, the price of a single-bed hotel room jumped to 4.5 times its usual rate! We decided to take the bus ride to and fro to the middle scenic area. If we were to climb the mountain, I heard we will probably need 1-2 days.

We woke up and set off from our hotel at 3:30a.m. on Saturday morning to find ourselves amongst hundreds of people waiting to buy their ticket outside the bus terminal. We climbed a short distance to take the cable car which finally brought us to the 金顶.

The view reminds me of the experience I had at Srigriya, Sri Lanka. The experience of His creation -- the traces revealing His presence. How I wished for those who paid their way in to enter into temples to bow their knees to created objects in the hope of having their wishes fulfilled, to be able to reckon the full sacrifice made for them to come directly to fellowship with their Creator who knows exactly the great things He had done, as well as the plans He has for each of them!

We took the same route back to the hotel, and then to the hot spring in the evening which really helped to ease the aching in our leg muscles. It was good for us to rest and set off the next morning at 6:30a.m. back to 新南门车站.

First Cycling Experience

It was exciting to have got on the chinese road for the first time on a bicycle a dear friend lent to me. Haha! To recall back the first time when I first used the pedestrian crossing.. and after I realised that traffic control is different from Singapore.. this is one personal breakthrough.

I rode to a bookstore 30mins walk away, stopped once to buy some oranges from a peddling fruit seller to quench thirst. The bookstore had moved 2 streets further and so I rode again. I bought a photo frame, a notebook, some stickers and a badge. The journey back was as easy as going there. I stopped by Carrefour for a can of cream corn to go with an asparagus dish, and picked up a packet of prunes on the way. I picked up a packet of sweet skin duck along the way to the wet market and returned. I parked the bicycle where it was and removed my purchases from the front basket.

I like the bicycle and enjoyed the freedom of riding it on the road. I wished there can be such a provision for bicycles in Singapore too. I like also these words, by Alfred D Souza, printed on the photo frame:

DANCE as though no one is watching you.
LOVE as though you have never been hurt before.
SING as though no one can hear you.
WORK as though you don't need the money.
LIVE as though today is your last day.

Edge of the Box

Inspiration comes unexpectedly, in my opinion, most of the time. Somehow I had been waiting for this inspiration to sweep me into writing my blog once again, not out of a 'I-ought-to' but that 'I-want-to'. So, thank you, Guo Shi, for that blog entry about us, which gave me the confidence to write again, as honestly, as boldly and as real.

I have been struggling with the writing of a newsletter for the past few months. Same issue perhaps. First, there was fear, due to new ground - new expectations, more unknowns, new infringements that brought about new breakthroughs. I dared not write too much, after thinking too much. So, why do we need to do all this, sometimes I will ask. And I remember the very words I spoke to someone, that 'everything has its purpose'. Many times I realise between 'right' or 'wrong', and 'yes' or 'no', I begin to see the reality of 'yes' or 'no' playing their roles more in the events around me. Somehow, I hate the 'right' or 'wrong'.. for I can be reminded for being wrong for saying this. I seemed to have said this before in a blog posted earlier.. Hm, why surface again. I will probably come back to this again.

Well, something else to think about, I am going to cook nasi lemak this evening for friends to come. Lily's blog had been such a blessing to me, inspiring me to cook. She made it so simple for people like me. :)

Night Dreams

Last week, a friend shared her dream. She saw herself and a friend driving down basement of 30 over levels, of which there are probably 50 over. Perhaps something to do with her flat search.

And then I recalled having a dream on the same night too. A bug with wings and a body like that of the cicada (which I remembered seeing being eaten deep-fried by some local Chinese). And I saw a hand plucking the wings off.

如‘遇见大圆满’

现在已到这儿也有38天了。回想之前到今天，我才明白信心的能力——可使一个以前从不善常使用华语的我也开始改变了。这也是我感到非常意外的呀。。

来到了这个称为‘神州大地’的土地有一个像回到家特殊却熟悉的感觉。尤其是当知道外婆在12日过世后，有时会想她以前在家乡的生活到底是这么样的。。又如何会离乡背井，到新加坡去。这一切我深信都是已经安排好的。我在新来临的一年里，盼望我们家能在这计划里一同成长。我们爱，却需要跟多的力量。

现在最需要的，就是可以把一些美好的体验记录下来，与亲爱的朋友们同享！最后，想分享刚购买到的一本独特书刊——(2003) 谢尔*希尔弗斯坦(Shel Silverstein) 所写的‘失落的一角遇见大圆满’。

网址：http://www.shelsilverstein.com/

Heartlanders

Having spent much time at home, I took a walk at our neighbourhood park this morning. The usual crowds of housewives who did their morning stretches and martial strokes. It is strange to feel so relieved of all responsibilities I had to bear and there seem to be a void.

I sat on the swinging bench for awhile and an Indian lady in her late 50s came by with her little grandson. They sat on a bench for awhile and a Malay lady also in her late 50s came by with her little grandson. I then witness something that warmed my heart: The Malay grandmother gave a curry puff to her grandson to offer to the other young lad. And the Indian grandmother helped her grandson to receive. They sat together for awhile and the Indian lady got off and left with her grandson, leaving the Malay lady and her grandson to themselves.

posted on 5 March 08, 11:40a.m.

'Who Moved My Cheese?' (1998)

Last night, I picked up this book (written by Dr. Spencer Johnson) and the more I read, the more determined I was to finish it before I go to bed. In the parable, of all the 4 characters mentioned (Snif, Scurry, Hem and Haw), I could very much identify with Hem when he faced a change.

More There are also interesting variations for the Chinese, for e.g. 'Chinese People Eat Cheese?--Who Took My Meat Bun?' and 'Who Moved My Rice?' :D